


Harry Potter and the Time he Started Anarchy at Hogwarts

by Occamaestro



Series: Dramatic Drabbles (and where to find them) [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Attempt at Humor, BAMF Harry Potter, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Funny, Gen, Harry actually does what he should of, Hogwarts, Humor, Ravenclaw, Ravenclaw Harry Potter, Safety is not an actual priority at hogwarts, Smart Harry, Smart Harry Potter, adults are useless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:15:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27730639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Occamaestro/pseuds/Occamaestro
Summary: Harry Potter cannon if he was a BAMF!Ravenclaw.
Relationships: Charity Burbage/Minerva McGonagall
Series: Dramatic Drabbles (and where to find them) [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1964080
Comments: 24
Kudos: 232
Collections: Chaos gods





	Harry Potter and the Time he Started Anarchy at Hogwarts

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!

“Yer a wizard Harry!” 

“Really, can you prove that? My aunt and uncle may not care about me enough to question you but you just broke into my current residence, smashed the door open, and are now telling me some unbelievable story I should just accept? 

What’re you going to say next, a deadly snake is invading a school or that I'm going to have a werewolf teacher. No, let me guess, there’s a murderous tournament I have to compete in or maybe there’s a prophecy I need to complete, yah that sounds right. Also, I expect some evil guy has a plot for immortality that I got to stop? Yah, there is no way I'm coming with you unless you have solid proof.” 

Hagrid blinked. 

“I think I need to get Minerva fo’ this,”  
**

“RAVENCLAW” 

“Well no surprise there,” said Minerva McGonagall as she drained her wine glass. 

“Really?” said Charity Burbage, who sat next to McGonagall, “Why’s that?” 

“Charity, he confused Hagrid so much I had to come, bought about a dozen extra books on every subject available, hired an attorney, and spent more than four hours in Gringotts. The Goblins liked him for Merlin'ss sake, do you know how creepy their smiles are?” 

Charity blinked. 

“Well, he seems like a very smart bo-”

“And don't get me started on the questions he asks. The kid asked me if there was a way to transfigure junk into diamonds and why death eaters weren’t made to give the unbreakable vow!” Minerva ranted, her voice getting steadily more hysterical. 

“And then-”

“Minerva, calm down.”

“I WILL NOT CALM DOWN, THAT BOY JUST THREATENED OUR EXISTENCE, CHARITY, WHAT ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD CHILD DOES THAT!?” 

**

Dear Nicolas Flamel,

It has come to my attention that you have given your philosopher stone to one Albus Dumbledore for safekeeping. It is to my great sadness to inform you that you made a mistake in doing so. The stone is neither safe nor secure in any way. It is currently residing in a hallway guarded by a Cerberus (which is well known to fall asleep at the sound of music), A devil's snare (that can be won over by a simple incendio), Flying keys (which are not resistant from the summoning charm), a chess game, a logic puzzle, and a mirror (which was bested by a simple bit of meditation). This is to say, any particularly gifted eleven year old would be able to complete these challenges. I should know, I am eleven. 

Best wishes,

A first-year at Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry,

-

Harry smiled at the letter and put it at the side of his transfigured desk, waiting for Hedwig to arrive. One problem over.

**

Quirinius Quirrell was possessed, yes that was true, but that minor hitch wouldn’t stop him from having his morning fashion show. He strutted towards the huge mirror wearing a crop-top and a blond wig. 

“Rawr,” he told the mirror.

“Have mercy,” Voldemort sobbed, his voice muffled by the blond locks. 

“AUROR SQUAD, OPEN UP!”

The door burst open and Quirrell’s head swiveled to the door, knocking his wig askew. 

A group of men and women in leather glared at him.

“Are you Quirrenus Quirrel?”

Quirrel froze for a moment.  
“UH no, i am Quarnias Squirrel,”

“Sure you are, hands in the air and wand on the ground.”

Stupefy!” Quirrel cried, “Stupify!” 

His wig fell off. 

“Oh dang nabbit.” 

“IS THAT VOLDEMORT ON THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD?” 

“QUIRREL IF WE MAKE IT OUT ALIVE I WILL KILL YOU FOR THIS!”

“Sorry Master!”

**

“Slytherin is first for the house cup-” Dumbledore announced. 

The green table burst into cheers. 

“But there are some points to award before the cup is finalized-” 

“To Ronald Weasley, for successfully eating without choking, I award 50 points, To Hermione Granger I award 50 points for being the biggest know-it-all in years. And finally, to Neville Longbottom, 50 points for breathing!” 

The green banners turned red and the lions rejoiced. 

“Excuse me Dumbledore!” said Harry, who was politely raising his hand, “May I present my speech for the winners of this year's house cup?” 

Dumbledore smiled and his eyes twinkled. 

“Of course, Mr. Potter, come up here and present, I’m sure everyone is very excited to hear what you have to say.” 

Harry strode to Dumbledore and pulled out a piece of parchment. As he unraveled it, the hall went silent, and the headmaster took a seat. 

“Hello Hogwarts, I’m here today to thank the Gryffindors for winning the house cup. But before I do, let me ask you a question, what does the house cup achieve?” 

“Albus, should we let him continue?”

“Minerva I’m sure it’ll be fine, after all, even Voldemort didn't figure out the secret to the house cup.” 

“Is the cup a reward of some sort? Yes, yes it is. But what is the reward? That's right, it's just a meal and bragging rights for a single train ride for us. The real reward lies with the teachers, and that reward is our behavior-”

“That's enough!” McGonagall cried as she reached for the conjured microphone. 

“THE HOUSE CUP IS A LIE TO GET US TO BEHAVE!” Harry said, right before the microphone was successfully out of his grip. 

The students all exchanged glances. 

“ANARCHY!” they screamed together, and the great hall descended to chaos.

What a perfect end to a perfect year.


End file.
